This past week has been productive in many ways. Though I have not blogged in what seems like an eternity, I have been staying alert. My pastor is true to his word and is holding me accountable. Just a text to ask how I am doing is enough. I have to be honest with him, so it motivates me to stay on track, knowing I will have to answer to him. A friend at church also knows I am battling depression. She has been fortunate to walk in my footsteps and overcome depression. She also sent me a text asking me how my day was going just yesterday.
Yesterday, though, I felt sad without reason…at least I could not pinpoint what was causing this. I almost allowed my self to sink, but my friend’s text motivated me to snap out of it, well not snap out of it, but to do what I needed to stand and not fall. I spent some alone time with God, and He pointed out something that I have not addressed in my life for a long time. I love how God works. He can point out my mistakes but never in a condemning way. He is always so gentle with me. Anyway, something I need to address that I have avoided for many years is my resentment towards my sister. She is not a soul to be trusted, and she has certainly proved that to me and many other family members over the years. Because of my distrust in her, I have planted a seed of resentment against her. It has grown tremendously, and I even hoped other family members would shun her. This resentment has been eating away at me for a long time…she has no clue of how I feel.
I asked God how I can forgive someone who purposely sets out to gossip about others and cause trouble. He reminded me of a brother-in-law who hurt me tremendously in the past and how I was able to forgive him, knowing that even 15 years later, he has not changed. I have learned to forgive him, but also to protect my heart, knowing I cannot trust him with having anyone’s best interest in mind but his own. Yes, he had created a rift in our relationship, but I love him and pray that God covers him. There is no resentment, hatred, or ill feelings toward him on my part. If I did it before, I can do it again. I need to forgive my sister and release all her wrongdoing committed against me and my family members to God. I need to have compassion towards her, because I know she is hurting too. She has her own struggles that I cannot understand.
I was brought to a scripture, Matthew 5:23-24: 23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
God pointed out that I have not reconciled with my sister, yet I bring my “gifts” to honor Him. When we choose to not forgive, then we do offend God. I know that this is not the root of my depression, but it is a strong contributing factor. My sister offended me over 20 years ago. Wow, what a long grudge. I told her at the time that she was wrong, but she claimed she was justified. It was her arrogance that provoked me, and her cunningness about the situation. She purposely deceived me at the time thinking it was for my own good…at least that was her excuse. So, after all these years, I need to let it go. She has not changed, and I don’t know that she ever will. Though I will continue to protect my heart from her, I can forgive her and be free from this.
God, I loose all resentment and anger against my sister. I bind up love, forgiveness, and restoration with my sister that stands in alignment with who You are, and I release all types of feelings and thinking that is not of You. I seal this prayer with the blood of Christ. Amen.
Fighting Depression 